Encouragement

I heard a very good quote from Bro. Bo Sanchez today - "Encouragement is like anesthesia, it wears off. You need to give it again and again, and again, and again..."

I am not a person to give out a lot of encouragement. I generally believe that once you say it, it is their job to remember whatever encouragement I give them. I never really thought that words will not stick that much. I guess I expect people to be tough. Well, we're not. Looking at myself, yes, encouragement does wane. Why? I automatically forget encouragement once I feel fear. Fear to do the things I need to do, what God wants me to do. Fear is normal for all of us. That is why we encourage our loved ones, our kids, our friends. We aim to ease their fear. We have lots of fears, we fear different things, but all these fears are just false expectations! We fear failure because we fear we will be rejected. We fear rejection because we fear we will lose our self worth. But we keep on forgetting that God loves us so much that we will never be worthless. We are His children and His is a perfect love. Perfect love casts out all fears. Encouraging our loved ones is sharing God's love with them. I need to do a lot more encouraging...

As my husband always asks me - what is courage? I can now answer... Not the Princess Diaries answer but this - Courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is being able to look at fear in the eye, and say "I'll do it anyway." By God's grace, I'll do it anyway.

You choose

If there is one thing in life that we always have - it's a choice. We can choose anything we want - to be thin, to be rich, to be a good mom, to be successful. No one can tell us it's not your choice. Why? Because if it's to be, it's up to me.

When you want to become thin, you go on a diet. You control your eating, you exercise, eat healthy. We choose. We choose not to go to the gym, we choose to eat that chocolate. We are responsible for our actions. No one else is. Our choice need only be a committed choice - a decision to stick it out. It ain't easy.

Sometimes we feel too afraid to choose for ourselves. We think our choices will disappoint our parents, or our boss, or our friends. But when our choices are blessed by God, you prayed for it, you lamented on it, I bet you, mountains will move just to help you achieve what you choose to be. God will move that mountain for you.

There will be a lot of things that will hinder you. Disappointments, delays, negative thoughts, fear. But we only need to focus. Focus on the prize. Focus on the dream. Sounds so easy? Only if God is your main supporter.

Being alone

Are you the type of person who cannot move without having someone to go with them? Not because you are injured or disabled, but because you just can't stand to eat at a fast food alone. Why are some people naturally "independent" they can go to mass by themselves, or eat at McDonald's by his lonesome? I guess we all have different stories.

I used to dread being by myself. I wouldn't want to be caught dead alone. I needed my peers to be with me when I go shopping, or watch a movie, or eat. I also needed someone to be with me during enrollment, during applications, etc. I was young then, and peer acceptance is important to me.

Then I discovered that I cannot always like what I see. Sometimes your friends are late. Sometimes, they are not serious. Most often than not, you have different opinions. First adaptation would be to be understanding of them. Maybe God is testing your patience, or is teaching you a life lesson. But after endless giving, you realize, I'm not going anywhere with these guys! Got to do it myself. So you learn to enroll by yourself. You learn to eat by yourself in a food court. You learn to go shopping by yourself. It was lonely at first, but hey, that's growing up. I realize, I can't be relying on someone else all the time. This is where you become your own person.

Then being alone too long will take a toll. You are afraid to commit to someone, or you forget your lessons in understanding and giving - probably why there are a lot of people who are afraid of relationships. Others, did not go through being alone (either they are too afraid or just enjoy it too much) that they can't cross over to being in a commitment. And you need to learn so many things again. Back to zero.

What am I driving at? All of us has to go through this cycle of being in a flood of things, then establish his own identity, then being with that someone who is your soul mate. This cycle can exists everywhere - in school, in a romantic relationship, in the workplace, in communities. It is never ending. It is also unavoidable.

This is one example of how we grow. I grow. Now, being hardheaded to accept change is another story.

Deceived or just plain stupid?

When an opportunity comes along, what do you do? Do you immediately grab it, or contemplate first? Do you do a cost-benefit analysis, or just toss a coin?

Well, I am about to conclude that I have been deceived. I jumped on a boat that looks very lovely, promised a lot of things - better things, and naturally, in my usual state of misery, I saw the light. So when they asked me to jump, my answer was - how high?

God has a funny way of making you see your mistakes. Or where you need to improve. I always thought I was very cautious. But one sweet talk, and I give my yes! What has gotten into me? Is it the hormones?

Wanted to punch someone. But hey, wouldn't want my baby to live in rage eh? But seriously, this is a case of not thinking first before you leap. Learned my lesson here. I should've asked a lot of questions. Let myself be known more, if they don't want me, at least I'd still be searching instead of regretting this early on.

Conclusion - this is just plain stupid!

Random Thoughts

We recently went back to my parent's place to save on rent, then I changed jobs too, and yes, I'm still pregnant. All these drastic changes are taking a toll on me. I miss being able to sit down and do nothing.

The big question on my mind right now is what do I really want to do? I'm going to be a mommy soon, and I want to spend every waking moment to take care of my little one, and my big one ;-) But I also want to help the big one earn enough so we could have a comfortable life.

Did I ever want to be successful in life? Was I ever contented in being a wallflower? Looking back at my life, I always had something to say, I always had something to offer. But in my subconscious, I am scared. I am traumatized at what other people think of me. I have heard lots of things about me, good and bad - used to cry about them too. But generally, other people's thoughts are very important to me. It's just too bad I never really got to get over the nasty ones.

How do one heal? How do you forgive and forget - not the others, but yourself? How do you move on and decide that life is so much fun than sitting around feeling miserable? When do you finally get over the feeling of being lost?

That is my question. I am broken, and I need to heal.